Movin' on

I have been living in my brother's house for 9 months now, ever since I had to leave the home I had been sharing with my partner. It's been a great place to be and overall a wonderful transition...I really needed people around me for awhile even though I spent a lot of time hiding in my room. I still knew they were there and didn't feel lonely.

But now I have finally found a place to live that is in the area I wanted, that I can afford, and that is cat friendly. I was starting to get discouraged, wondering if I was being too picky or maybe just getting too complacent and relying on my brother too much. I'm glad I waited, now. It's a good reminder that the law of attraction actually does work!

I am slowly moving in, going through boxes and getting rid of things I don't need.It is a very small place, so there is no room for clutter. Downsizing by necessity! It feels great, actually. I've always had packrat-like tendancies and it's a constant struggle to keep from accumulating junk.

I am excited to be moving into my own place again....I am ready for a bit more solitude and it feels like I need that in order to work on myself in the ways I have wanted.

Feeling immense gratitude for my brother and his family for giving me this time to regroup and for giving me such a great space in which to do that.

Challenges

I have been doing very well lately, partly because I was out of town for a month and the distance let me focus on things other than my rocky failed relationship. Unfortunately since I have been home I have been challenged once again to deal with the fallout.

Today I was feeling pretty happy and content, as I had been able to spend an enjoyable afternoon with my ex`s son during a playdate with my nephew. I arranged this through his ex wife so as to avoid any unpleasantness between me and my ex. Unfortunately he took offense to the idea and has since threatened me with a restraining order if I try to see his son.

This really makes me sad. I had a relationship with this boy for 2 years...I was one of the parental figures in his life. I do not expect to continue in that role considering that his father has decided that I am not welcome, but having the child`s mother embrace me and understand that I have a connection with her son has been really amazing.

I know that the only reason my ex is causing trouble is that he thinks I have or will eventually say something that casts him in a bad light. It has nothimg to do with his son and everything to do with his desire for a good rep in the community.

Struggle!

I haven't posted here in awhile because I have been too engaged in STRUGGLING with my issues. I would like to say that I am successfully applying this or that technique or experiencing wonderful leaps forward in my awareness but it isn't happening right now. I feel extremely stuck.

I managed to spend a lot of one day last week practicing present moment awareness. It was exhausting, and also interesting to see how many times in even a MINUTE that I had to bring myself back to awareness. My egoic mind was tenacious in taking over and running away into the past or the future, evoking all manner of negativity. It was an interesting day, and one I have not had the courage to repeat, although I am trying to catch myself whenever I notice it happening.

I don't know if it is directly related, but since then my raging negativity and my self talk has gone into overdrive. I have felt like ripping my head off to stop the constant litany of blame, anger and hurt that is pouring forth in almost every second. As if my ego sensed a threat from my efforts and is pulling out all the stops to regain control. I suppose that could be looked at in a positive light...if I wasn't having some success with being in the now there would not be this backlash. I don't know...I might be speculating too wildly there.

Once I have managed to turn myself back into the flow and improve my outlook I do have more interesting things to post!

Get Happy!

Working With Energy

I spent the latter part of my childhood in an environment that encouraged energy work and spiritual pursuits. One of the most often heard sayings around our house was 'You Create Your Own Reality'. Of course,I didn't exactly understand the implications of that at the time, but I always knew that I had to take some level of responsibility for my life circumstances.

I've spent a lot of my life since then conveniently forgetting this, and bemoaning my situation...blaming it on various things in my past and sometimes in my distant past, my previous lives. Even though I had read all of Carlos Castaneda and Jane Roberts 'Seth Speaks' series by the time I was 12 years old, I was not capable at that time of absorbing the messages in those wonderful books. To me they were just stories. I'm sure I got some benefit from them, but I've realized lately that unless I am open to the message that a particular medium contains, I am better off leaving it aside, knowing it is there, and coming to it when I am ready. I am currently experiencing this very thing with an amazing book called 'The Presence Process' by Michael Brown. I know many people who are raving about this, and yet I don't feel quite ready to embark on that particular path. It sits patiently on my bookshelf, and I feel that soon I will be taking it down and getting involved.

When I was in my deepest crisis and despair, right after my sudden separation, I was searching. I knew I needed help but didn't know which direction to turn. I made one appointment with a counsellor, and knew afterwards that I wouldn't return. It didn't feel right. At my worst I even considered checking myself into the psych ward..there were moments when I didn't fully trust myself to remain willingly in my body in the face of so much pain.

The first step on the path I am now on was to pick up two books that I was drawn to in a bookstore on a particularly bad day when I had no choice but to be out and about for my job. I already mentioned one of them in my first post, Neal Donald Walschs' 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. The other was 'Broken Open' by Elizabeth Lesser. With those, I began to get a little glimpse of awareness....I could relate to their message. From there I found Abraham-Hicks and that material REALLY spoke to me. I am reminded of the Buddhist proverb 'When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear'. I guess I am ready! Too bad I wasn 't ready when I was 12....imagine how much time I could have saved :)

Honesty and The Opposite of That

My thoughts have been on honesty lately....obviously because the lack of it has played a huge role in recent developments in my life.

I wonder if there is anyone out there who can say that they have never lied. I think everyone does it, to a certain degree. I remember lying as a child to get out of punishment or to get something I wanted. I lied as a teen to make myself more acceptable to my peers and to fool my parents. As an adult, I have lied to cover up things I have done that I am ashamed of.

There are many levels of lying, from intentional omission to straight out telling of fiction. Think of all the little untruths that pepper our days....we say we are 'fine' when asked, we tell our spouse that they don't look fat in that outfit, or that we are not mad when we are. We tell our kids why we need to leave the park before they are ready to go or that mommy and daddy are not fighting. We tell our boss or our client why we were late or absent.

Of course, some of us do this more than others, for various reasons. But some people do it all the time, for NO apparent reason. Compulsive lying is a whole different animal, and if you've ever known someone who does this you know exactly what I mean. One thing I have noticed....if someone is liberal in the use of certain words or phrases in their conversation it usually means something. Saying 'quite honestly', 'truthfully', 'frankly', 'to be honest', 'I really mean it', 'this is the truth'.....why is that necessary? Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?

I've known at least a couple of these people in my life, most recently my ex partner. It took me a while to figure this out, but once I did I was dismayed and somewhat fascinated to discover that this guy really did lie about absolutely everything! Things that there was no possible reason or advantage to lie about. From the classic size of the fish he caught to things that he had done in his life....everything was suspect. At a certain point in our relationship I caught him in some very big and very damaging lies, and he seemed at that point to realize that he had a problem with it. It was good opportunity for me to practice forgiveness and faith. I made a decision to believe his conviction to change was sincere, and to offer him my trust again.

I was never able to FULLY trust him, I always had my small doubts but would communicate these to him in the hopes that it would keep him on track. I think all this accomplished in the long run was to make him better at covering up his tracks. He continued to lie, and one of his more frequently used untruths was to tell me he was not lying!

Now that I have some distance from the situation and from him, I realize that people like him need people like me..people who are willing to give them a chance and who are trusting by nature. And obviously on some level we need that experience in our lives too, to validate whatever beliefs we hold about how we are to be treated by others.

I have compassion for him, and for anyone else who is trapped in this web of their own making. What must it be like, to find yourself so completely unacceptable that you must make yourself up? Loving and accepting ourselves is hard enough as it is, without adding that to the mix.

There are many parts of myself that I do not like. It is so much easier to accept the things about me that I have labeled as 'good'. How do we go about embracing those qualities that we have decided are 'bad'? I want to be able to fully accept myself as I am right now, to forgive myself for being so hard on myself, and to lovingly release that which no longer serves me.

One of those things that no longer serve me is the presence in my life of this kind of constant dishonesty. I prefer to surround myself now with people who seek and speak the truth.

Honestly.

Relief....and Gratitude.

Well, it's done. I understand the sense of completion that people who have finalized a divorce talk about. I was definitely not peaceful and serene for the duration of my exodus, but I was not grief stricken either and that stage is GONE. I have yet to transcend spiteful thoughts but I have reached a place of disgust and that is a definite improvement in my general state of mind. Feeling HUGE appreciation for this situation now, I am done fighting it.

I'm still in the midst of huge change and uncertainty but today I actually felt some glimmers of hope and excitement rising above the undertone of fear that has been a constant presence. I have seen past the loss and into the reality of what I would have dealt with had I stayed in that situation.

I watched some great video on YouTube today, of Ram Dass talking about awareness and relationship, and another with him talking to Thich Nhat Hanh. I'm too new to this to know if it's posible to share it here but I'll try for a http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZKrl5n79hY&feature=related link. Also don't know how to make that less awkward....

Maybe This Will Help...

Here is the one thing in my life that can always lift my spirits....the unconditional love of my best little buddy.

The Big Day

Today is the day....I have to go and collect the rest of my belongings from the 'scene of the crime'. I moved everything out from inside the house a while ago, but all of the things that are packed away together with his need to be sorted through. I'm feeling nervous about it. I woke up at 4am, as I have been doing since this all began, and tried to put myself in a good headspace about it. Sometimes the resistance to that is overwhelming, and today, so far, seems to be one of those times.

I've been trying to apply what I have learned from reading 'The Astonishing Power Of Emotions' by Esther and Jerry Hicks.....based on the Law of Attraction, it says that when you are feeling negative emotion, you are incapable of attracting anything other than more of the same into your reality. This has been a double edged sword for me...sometimes I can catch myself and can change my train of thought, reaching for something that creates a better feeling. Other times I notice it and yet for the life of me can't seem to do anything about it. It's HARD to change the way you feel when you are experiencing strong emotion! In fact, according to Abraham, it's actually impossible to make a huge leap, from the lowest to the highest. Luckily, even a small shift is helpful so I focus on that in times of great difficulty. If I can't feel joy, or even contentment, I try for anger as an improvement over despair, dissapointment as an improvement over anger. If I can, I make it to contentment, or at least to an absence of negativity. Often easier said than done at this point!

Getting Out Of My Own Way

Well, this is an experiment....I'm stepping off the edge of my comfort zone and exploring myself. It's kind of like examining yourself in the mirror. I see all of those 'defects' that I don't like and am now challenged to do something about them.

It took a major kick in the ass to make me get busy....I was happy and complacent despite some pretty rough times in my relationship. I was engaged to be married to a man who despite his many trespasses on my love and trust had (or so I thought) proven his commitment and desire to make a life together with me. An unexpected and rapid slide into severe cocaine addiction had tested my resolve, but I loved him and wanted to save his life and make it work, so I did everything in my power to make that happen.

And it did. He was successful in getting clean and clearing up a lot of old emotional trauma in the process. I was elated and optomistic about our shared future. Unfortunately, I had only 2 days to enjoy it, as he dropped a bombshell on me 2 days after returning from rehab. Apparently I was no longer a valued part of his life, and he had decided that he no longer loved me or wanted to be with me.

I was blindsided by this...like many couples, I knew there were some issues that we needed to work on, but I have always believed in the power of love and was confidant that whatever we needed to deal with would be completely resolvable. I didn't count on the fact that I was the only one who was operating out of love.

So, I left...I left my home, my relationship, and my cherished relationship with his son. I was suddenly thrust into a very uncomfortable place, and had no idea what to do about it. My previous happiness and optimism was gone, and in it's place was left emotional pain and uncertainly. I have never been a big fan of uncertainty....it has always scared the crap out of me. I am a creature of habit, I like to know what is going to happen next. Now, I haven't a clue what is going to happen next, in every context. My entire life has been thrown into chaos and I am at a loss to figure out a plan.

Several days into my new and scary reality, I picked up a book by Neale Donald Walsch called 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. That seemed like a pretty accurate description of what I was experiencing, so I decided to see what insight I could find. And what I found there initially really pissed me off. "What do you mean this situation is my own creation?" "Why the hell would I create this?" "Who in their right mind would wish this on themselves?"

But the more I read, the more a new awareness began to dawn on me that holy shit, I WAS doing this to myself. Patterns of belief are often formed early on, and we live within them as if they were natural law. But why then are some people stifled by them and others are not? Simply because the beliefs that we hold are individual...made up of a lifetime of thought patterns and emotional reactions, and no persons experience is identical to that of another.

This is heavy shit. And it's one thing to read about it and see the sense in it....it's entirely another to apply it to one's life in a constructive way. But that is what I am working on..and the reason for this whole thing. Wish me luck!