Getting Out Of My Own Way

Well, this is an experiment....I'm stepping off the edge of my comfort zone and exploring myself. It's kind of like examining yourself in the mirror. I see all of those 'defects' that I don't like and am now challenged to do something about them.

It took a major kick in the ass to make me get busy....I was happy and complacent despite some pretty rough times in my relationship. I was engaged to be married to a man who despite his many trespasses on my love and trust had (or so I thought) proven his commitment and desire to make a life together with me. An unexpected and rapid slide into severe cocaine addiction had tested my resolve, but I loved him and wanted to save his life and make it work, so I did everything in my power to make that happen.

And it did. He was successful in getting clean and clearing up a lot of old emotional trauma in the process. I was elated and optomistic about our shared future. Unfortunately, I had only 2 days to enjoy it, as he dropped a bombshell on me 2 days after returning from rehab. Apparently I was no longer a valued part of his life, and he had decided that he no longer loved me or wanted to be with me.

I was blindsided by this...like many couples, I knew there were some issues that we needed to work on, but I have always believed in the power of love and was confidant that whatever we needed to deal with would be completely resolvable. I didn't count on the fact that I was the only one who was operating out of love.

So, I left...I left my home, my relationship, and my cherished relationship with his son. I was suddenly thrust into a very uncomfortable place, and had no idea what to do about it. My previous happiness and optimism was gone, and in it's place was left emotional pain and uncertainly. I have never been a big fan of uncertainty....it has always scared the crap out of me. I am a creature of habit, I like to know what is going to happen next. Now, I haven't a clue what is going to happen next, in every context. My entire life has been thrown into chaos and I am at a loss to figure out a plan.

Several days into my new and scary reality, I picked up a book by Neale Donald Walsch called 'When Everything Changes, Change Everything'. That seemed like a pretty accurate description of what I was experiencing, so I decided to see what insight I could find. And what I found there initially really pissed me off. "What do you mean this situation is my own creation?" "Why the hell would I create this?" "Who in their right mind would wish this on themselves?"

But the more I read, the more a new awareness began to dawn on me that holy shit, I WAS doing this to myself. Patterns of belief are often formed early on, and we live within them as if they were natural law. But why then are some people stifled by them and others are not? Simply because the beliefs that we hold are individual...made up of a lifetime of thought patterns and emotional reactions, and no persons experience is identical to that of another.

This is heavy shit. And it's one thing to read about it and see the sense in it....it's entirely another to apply it to one's life in a constructive way. But that is what I am working on..and the reason for this whole thing. Wish me luck!