Struggle!

I haven't posted here in awhile because I have been too engaged in STRUGGLING with my issues. I would like to say that I am successfully applying this or that technique or experiencing wonderful leaps forward in my awareness but it isn't happening right now. I feel extremely stuck.

I managed to spend a lot of one day last week practicing present moment awareness. It was exhausting, and also interesting to see how many times in even a MINUTE that I had to bring myself back to awareness. My egoic mind was tenacious in taking over and running away into the past or the future, evoking all manner of negativity. It was an interesting day, and one I have not had the courage to repeat, although I am trying to catch myself whenever I notice it happening.

I don't know if it is directly related, but since then my raging negativity and my self talk has gone into overdrive. I have felt like ripping my head off to stop the constant litany of blame, anger and hurt that is pouring forth in almost every second. As if my ego sensed a threat from my efforts and is pulling out all the stops to regain control. I suppose that could be looked at in a positive light...if I wasn't having some success with being in the now there would not be this backlash. I don't know...I might be speculating too wildly there.

Once I have managed to turn myself back into the flow and improve my outlook I do have more interesting things to post!